101 The One Where Monica Gets A New Roommate

Ross: Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
Monica: -leg?
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
Monica: You actually broke her watch?  Wow!  The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica: That's right.

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul: It's okay...
Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?
Paul: Two years.
Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!

Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask?

Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

Monica: You know Paul?
Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...
Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!

Monica: How'd you pay for them?
Rachel: Uh, credit card.
Monica: And who pays for that?
Rachel: Um... my... father.

Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary?  I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!

Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)

Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel: Yeah, maybe...
Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...

Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?
Ross: I just grabbed a spoon.

Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?

Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
Rachel: I'm just serving it.
All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.